JOKES
Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
One day this guy is sitting on a park bench eating a bald eagle. A cop comes by and
says."Hey fella...What do you think you are doing? That is an endangered species! You
can't kill it and eat it!" The cop arrests him and takes him to jail...
The next day he goes to court and the judge says, "Sir, do you realize that a bald
eagle is an endangered species and you can spend up to 5 years in jail for killing and
eating it?"
The guy says, "Yes your honor...but I am poor and if I didn't eat it, I would have
starved!" The judge pauses a few minutes and says, "Well sir, under the
circumstances, I guess I will make an exception. You are free to go...but first I want to
ask you a question: What exactly does a bald eagle taste like?"
The guy thinks for a moment and says..."Well, your Honor...It's kinda like a cross
between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to
police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car
which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher
later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to
change the oil.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a
jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a
school at the same time.
Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent hardworking American.
Louis Farrakan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man'
in order to trample him and keep him down.
The bible"
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shall cross
the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing!
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
L.A. police department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't
know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? yes! The chicken crossed the
road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King Jr.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.. Someone told us that the
chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Sadam Hussain:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion spurred by the infidel Americans and we were
guided by Allah in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.
Ronald Reagan:
Huh?
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross
before you believe it?
Machavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the
road justifies whatever motive there was.
Freud:
That fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your
underlying sexual insecurity
Bill Gates:
I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs,
file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Explorer is an
inextricable part of the operating system.
Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with that chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define
chicken please?
Immanuel Kant:
The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have
traditionally crossed roads throughout history.
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth
in front of your face? The chicken was going to he "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say
we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side". That chicken
should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
Ken Starr::
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the
United States in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public
from the criminal wrongdoings our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As
a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme
to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to
offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with out
investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of
the road until our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been
completed. (We are also investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the
Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any
useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers).
A husband calls his home from work. A strange woman answers the phone.He asks, "Who
is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Oh. Well, this
is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with
someone, whom I just naturally figured was her husband." He'd always suspected, but
now it's confirmed. "Listen," he said to the maid, "would you like to make
$50,000?"
"What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den.
Then, I want you to shoot that lying, cheating wife of mine AND the man she's with."
"$50,000? Are you serious?" "I'm as serious as a heart attack!" The
maid set the phone down. The husband hears footsteps, followed by gunshots. After a
moment, the maid returns to the phone and asks, "When do I get my money???"
"What did you do with the bodies?" "I threw them both into the pool."
"POOL ??? Is this 691-4568?"
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member
of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories
will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch
the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the
flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the
passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance
system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats
until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as
they leave the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on
a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stops screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one
you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water
landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now,
and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come
back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all
are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....It was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and
bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what
is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.